Fear of the Unique Object

Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I was just packing up my apartment. Its almost over, my two year stint in New Westminster. The power, phone, and cable will all be cut on Monday, the mail will be re-routed. I have hardly packed anything, and tonight I stopped once I hit the pile of sealed boxes in the storage room. No longer holding anything functional, these cardboard vessels, with the contents listed bluntly in black marker on the top, sometimes the side, terrify me. I couldn't resist opening a few, and it stopped me cold. If anyone else had looked in those boxes, they would appear to be nothing but junk. To me though, it was my life, or objects that represent my life, some unique, some utilitarian, each one triggering a memory, a moment. Drapes, toys, books, stacks and stacks of pictures, a set of snowman ears bought at a christmas parade, a deck of cards, each item belonging to a teleological progression of history that I am perversely attracted to. After I am dead it will all disperse, and become meaningless. It was unsettling looking at all those objects assembled together, neutralized by brown cardboard and the non-smell of dust.

I sat in a dark theatre one afternoon awhile back, a bucket of popcorn, large coke, and watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The lead character, Joel Barish, played by Jim Carrey, deals with the evils of nostalgia, and the objects that can trigger it, by piling every memento from his broken relationship to his girlfriend, played by Kate Winslet, into a large black garbage bag. Avoiding the usual cliche of making a huge mound of letters, pictures, and gifts in the backyard and burning it, Joel takes it all to a doctor that specializes in removing memories from the mind. Each object is placed on a table and located in the brain, where it is later traced, and eliminated. Only in the movies is this possible of course. The rest of us must live with the past, and wrestle with its ability to be triggered unexpectedly at any moment, taking you to who knows where, an inferno of lust and anguish, or a warmth that comforts the future.

What my future holds, I have no idea. I run through excitement, terror, revulsion disparity, all in the space of ten minutes, and then it starts all over again. Lately, history is on heavy rotation. It all feels foreign.

My old apartment will not be erased from memory, instead it will fade, slowly over time. I hope that over the next year the painful memories of this place will seem like a shadow that is long, distorted, but ultimately harmless. I will be on hiatus for awhile as I get settled in my new digs, downtown, if you miss me don't hesitate to say so, your comments are welcome, and I will be posting early next week, if you feel lonely, or nostalgic.