I Must Admit, As They Say

John Landis, foreman of many 80's classics

Please bare with me here. This post is going to be all over the board so get ready.

There is a parasite infecting someone I care for very much, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it except sit by and watch it slowly erode away the things that are most dear to me. Last weekend was awful and I managed to get even lower than what I thought was rock bottom two weeks ago.

Incidentally I watched 2 John Landis films, Into the Night, starring Jeff Goldblum and Michelle Pfeiffer, and Coming to America with Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall. I am hypersensitive right now, and you know your fucked when you find an Eddie Murphy film is commenting on your life.

I drank all afternoon with a 77 year old retired dock worker named Henry one day. We were two lost souls. I had the Heineken on tap, while Henry drank double Brandy's with a stack of twenty dollar bills on the bar. Expensive taste. By the time Sunday rolled around I was an emotional basket case and it all boiled to the surface in one heaping, retarded phone call that I of course regretted within minutes. The damage has been done however, but really it makes no difference, I am doomed as they say. I really thought there was hope, but I know I am being spared the final details of what has become the final act of a nightmare vision I have had for years. I must now turn my back and allow the feeding to continue, otherwise I am going to suffer a crash that will do me serious harm.

My internet was cut over the weekend, due to a certain parties lack of interest in my situation. I think its a good idea not to have the net for a little while at home, I need to gain some self control. I have been a bad boy.

There is good news, remember I said I would have some exciting news? Well I am moving. I recently rented an 800sq ft. live/work space. I will begin painting again and lord only knows what the hell will come of it. I am terrified though, I have never lived on my own before. I am worried about the high rent and my motives for renting a space like this. Am I just trying to desperately appear attractive in someone's eyes, renting a place that is way out of my league? Am I a poser? I must admit that I have zero confidence in my art making abilities as of late.

For some reason I can't stop thinking about my experience as a football player when I was 9 years old. One day at recess, I was playing football with my friends and I somehow managed to score a touchdown, I think it was the one and only touchdown I ever scored. Well that settled it. I wanted to play football. Well, I didn't dream of working hard, learning the game, etc. No, I dreamed of the uniform. The shoulder pads, the cool short capri pants with the built in pads. The helmet! Well I begged my parents and next thing you know, I received my uniform. I think I was number 16. Guess what I was for Halloween that year? After that I wasn't much interested in the football playing part of it. The hard work required, the discipline. It didn't help things much either that I completely sucked and I don't think I made one contribution to that team in 40 games. So is this apartment I rented just another fancy uniform to impress the ladies with? We'll see, but I am worried, I must admit.

Reading back my first entry of low's I can remember how I thought that everything would work itself out. I remember saying something like "Its the last of many lasts" it truly was. Although I didn't believe it at the time, many things have happened for the last time since then, and the melancholy I feel at the reality of my situation has caused me to become a different person. Well now is the time to set things right again. As I said then, I will say it again, read on my friends, read on...